…and make it sexy.

Was Einstein’s Theory of Relativity really a PR stunt designed to shift sanitary towels?  Might’ve been.

Have you read Ben Goldacre’s brilliant rant about Clarion Communications?  I found it through The Jiveman and I’ve been chuckling about it all day.

Clarion, on behalf of its client Veet - the hair removal people - in a typical “dull beauty product tries to use a bit of science to add some credence to its overpriced gunk” sort of way, decided to try and engage Goldacre in its seedy little consumer PR game.  Knowing that Dr Goldacre’s got a proper scientific background, Clarion naturally assumed he’d prostitute himself to support its client’s marketing objectives (well, fair enough…he does, after all, work full time for the NHS, so money’s probably a bit tight).  In an email to Goldacre, a Clarion PR said:

“We are conducting a survey into the celebrity top ten sexiest walks for my client Veet (hair removal cream) and we would like to back up our survey with an equation from an expert to work out which celebrity has the sexiest walk, with theory behind it. We would like help from a doctor of psychology or someone similar who can come up with equations to back up our findings, as we feel that having an expert comment and an equation will give the story more weight.”

Ah yes…equation…expert…with theory…a doctor no less…equations…equation…more weight.  Complete boswelox.

Clarion followed up with another email:

“We would really like the factors of the equation to include the thigh to calf ratio, the shape of the leg, the look of the skin and the wiggle (swing) of the hips… There is a fee of £500 which we would pay for your services.”

Ahhh!  The filthy lucre.  £500…tempting, no?  Almost worth dragging your reputation through the gutter for. 

To be fair, though, the equation wasn’t the only supporting evidence…there was also a survey.  Clarion hadn’t done it yet, but…

“…we know what results we want to achieve.  We want Beyonce to come out on top followed by other celebrities with curvy legs such as J-Lo and Kylie and celebrities like Kate Moss and Amy Winehouse to be at the bottom e.g - skinny and pale unshapely legs are not as sexy. I will find out when we will have the results of the survey for you. Are you pretty free this month to work on it?”

Of course, Goldacre wasn’t.  Mind you, Clarion did them manage to hoodwink some dusty old Cambridge professor into giving then a comment that they fashioned into a quote for the press release.  He then claimed that he hadn’t approved the release and that it was misleading.  He also didn’t want the double glazing and already owned a timeshare.

Is there anything else that Clarion could’ve screwed up? 

Yes there is.  According to Goldacre, the supporting survey “was an internal email sent around the company.”

Infuriatingly, yet inevitably, the press release was picked up by a number of publications, including the Daily Telegraph, which means entirely bogus research and dodgy science are here to stay.  Unlike your unsightly body hair which, with a quick and easy application of Veet’s sludge, will be gone faster than you can say “back, sack and crack please madam, and don’t spare the wax…”

Now where’s my 500 quid?