…for the childish nature of this post and the vile imagery that it might provoke.

We all love a good rank don’t we? Anyone who says that they don’t is a telling porkies.

Jonny Bentwood at Edelman is the Paul Raymond of the PR industry. He creates the tools that let us all jump online and rank ourselves silly. His latest is called TweetLevel, and by all accounts people around the world have been ranking themselves (and, indeed, ranking others) with Jonny’s tool all week…to the extent that quite often it seems to be broken.

Etc etc.

The words ranks and wank are quite similar though, and it’s no coincidence. The masturbatory nature of a self-ranking tool is obvious. That’s why - like porn - TweetLevel has attracted such overwhelming attention.

Lessons there for us all.

I got a bit obsessed by the new Dyson fan the other day. Dyson says that the fan takes air and multiplies it 15 times…which I presume means that somewhere else in the room there’s an area of dangerously low pressure, or even a vacuum. You’re being happily cooled down, and the cat’s being asphyxiated. In fact, they might be that powerful that it becomes a mini black-hole, sucking everything into it…papers, books, mugs, small children. And what might happen if you stood naked behind it..?

And then it came to me.

You know those new ads for Dixons.co.uk that are in the papers and on the tube? You know, the ones that urge you to check out the new technology in stores like John Lewis and Selfridges and then go and buy online at Dixons.co.uk? They’ve caused a bit of chatter in the industry media. I really like the strapline: “The last place you want to go.” It’s got a nice double meaning: do your research and then the last thing you do is to go to Dixons.co.uk and buy it. But it’s also self-deprecating…we all know Dixons is a bit downmarket, so why not admit it? Clever.

I’ve come up with a similar strapline for Dyson. See what you think:

“Dyson. It can suck my cock.”

Great, hey? On the one hand it’s saying: “Yeah, yeah. Dyson this, Dyson that. I’m sick of it. Suck my cock Dyson”, which is nicely self-deprecating. But there’s a clear product message there too. You know…that Dyson products can…well…do I need to spell it out?

I did worry that it might rather speak to the male audience when, let’s face it, Dyson’s products are probably bought by women in the main. But with a simple change, I think it can work for the girls too:

“Dyson. It can suck his cock.”

Brilliant, no? You can sit there watching X-Factor while he gets noshed off by the hoover. Everyone’s happy.

I’m waiting for the call from Sir Jim’s people…

Without in any way wishing to sway the judging for next week’s Jackenhack Awards and purely because it got me chuckling so very much, worth re-printing is the nomination for The Daily Mail and Mail on Sunday in the ‘Digital Refusnik of the Year’ category:We wouldn’t want you running away with the idea that the number of bullet points appended to this nomination is in any way significant. Oh no. Anyway, we thought we’d nominate the Mail for suggesting that use of Facebook and Twitter will. . .

• increase your chances of getting cancer
• make you eat too much
• deprive you of the ability to feel compassion
• fill you with jealousy
• incite you to stalk your partner
• make you immoral (if you weren’t already)
• cause you to dishonour the memory of Winston Churchill
• result in your becoming addicted to friendships (but only if you are a woman)
• make you like Charles Manson
• result in your children being exposed to pornography
• result in your children being exposed to prostitution
• result in your children being exposed to drugs
• damage your child’s brain
• turn your children into criminals
• increase the risk of being branded as a prostitute and having your life ruined
• cause you to fail to relax on holiday
• make you run amok, destroying an award-winning garden in Leeds
• cause your partner to go into a coma after crashing a motorbike (but only if you are Lauren Booth, and only if you change your status from “married” to “single” after a domestic)
• increase the chances of your husband hacking you to death with a meat cleaver (but only if you change your status from “married” to “single”)
• put you at risk of online crime
• make you sufficiently vain to retouch digital photographs of yourself
• prompt you to befriend imprisoned criminals
• waste British businesses £132m every day
• make you laugh about serious car crashes
• turn you into “a foolish Facebook mum” (but only if you are Suzanne Moore)
• cause you to lie about serving with the SAS
• turn you into a ‘hypocrite’ (like Jim Knight, the former schools minister who “lectures parents on computer-obsessed children – but has 900 online friends”)
• turn us all into a nation of introverts

Not our words but those of tech PR shop Mi liberty about one of its own employees…John Ozimek, erstwhile Flackenhack Awards DJ and, it would appear, a man leading something of a double (if not triple) life.

For not only is John an associate director at Mi liberty and a part-time club DJ, he also seems to write an awful lot of stuff for perennial PR despiser The Register.

Unless that’s this John Ozimek (but we think not, because he tends to write about sexual liberty, and you don’t get much of that at El Reg).

Still, we’re sure everyone’s more than aware of this gamekeeper turned poacher but still a gamekeeper type scenario. So that’s OK.

I’ve just been sent an email by a recruitment company. Completely out of the blue. I know the company name, you probably do too, given it’s a major player. I’ve never worked with the company; as candidate or recruiter.

The recruiter tells me the candidate in question is very interested in meeting with me, which is odd given that her previous PR experience includes a high street chain of bakers, a flower delivery company and a newspaper supplement. I’m all for having a broad base of experience but, if you’re going down the ‘ready-made candidate’ route to a B2B tech PR company, which the recruiter was, those clients don’t exactly scream ‘data management’ do they?

Also, given it’s a small industry, isn’t it a little unprofessional to simply attach someone’s CV in an unsolicited email, with details of their current salary? Given we work with the agency the candidate is currently working for, I’d say it was a bit of a disaster.

However, perhaps the biggest faux pas is the recruiter’s chirpy closing line: “…extremely quick learner and has the ability to move up the ladder very quickly given the right structure and strong piers to learn from.”

I guess the recruiter hasn’t had the pleasure of working with strong piers…